Toddler Impulse Control: MIA

You’re cooking pasta in the kitchen while your 6 year old is peacefully building with magnet tiles in the living room and your three year old is smushing playdough on the kitchen table. Suddenly, you hear the clatter of 67 tiles fall to the ground and see that the 3 year-old has traded the playdough destruction for something a little bit more…reactive. Hysterics level 10 ensue. 

Sound familiar at all? 

When this happens, if you’re anything like me, your first thought is “WHY!?” Everything was so calm & harmonious and there was absolutely nothing done to provoke your littlest one to turn into the King Kong of magnet tile city.

Zero. Impulse. Control. That’s why. 

As adults, we have had years upon years to develop the skill of impulse control. Count up all the actions you think about doing each day, but decide not to. It’s a long list, isn’t it? Even with decades of practice, we still get it wrong often. We make that late night online purchase or bring up a touchy subject at the Christmas party. Now imagine being a toddler with the same impulsive thoughts running through your brain but with essentially ZERO practical application of controlling those thoughts.

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Here are three things I can tell you right now for when you next find yourself in this kind of situation. 

1. This is not Unique misbehavior, this is developmentally appropriate! 

The summation of the toddler experience is essentially one giant science experiment. “If I do “x” what will happen next?” This is exactly how we want our toddlers to see the world, we want them to test and try and collect data about the world around them. If our toddlers were somehow equipped with complex thinking processes such as impulse control - think about how much data collection they would miss out on because they chose to withhold themselves! As much as some days these impulsive actions can add up to be the cherry topper on rough days, we do indeed want them around. What a catch-22. 

2. Big reactions towards big behaviours does NOT diffuse the situation. 

Here is the quickest fix you can make in your house right now: Toddler behaves bigly → parent remains neutral. Now that the behavior has happened, we FIRST focus on bringing the household back to a baseline (emotionally, physically, whatever is unstable in that moment). Absolutely no meaningful work can be done in moments of chaos & your reaction to the situation at hand can be so powerful in steering the ship in the right direction. It would be difficult to bring your kiddos back down to baseline if you are not there yourself. Once we are more settled, THEN we work on the next step. For the magnet tile situation, I would state that we must help our sibling re-build what has been broken and an apology would be on the docket as well (action over apology though - rebuilding or a hug would be more important!) 

3. This will happen again… and again… and again.

Continuing on with my science experiment analogy from earlier, if you know anything about the scientific process - the same experiments are conducted numerous times. You have to rule out the potential of a fluke response - you have to try something multiple times to know what the expected outcome will be. I find that if you build this into your framework of a toddler’s life, you’ll have a much sturdier bandwidth for the next time they chuck a block at your forehead. 

Knowing that these behaviours are likely to be majorly repetitive also removes a layer of stress. In this light, there is no need to expect yourself to respond "perfectly" in order for said behavior to never happen again. Just know it probably will. Until, one fateful morning you sweep your hand across your forehead and realize, hey, I haven’t been bruised by a block in weeks! The sweet sensation of success.

Though some kiddos will come by it faster than others, you’re better off understanding and accepting that no matter how many times you practice and nurture impulse control, they will in fact continue to fumble the skill until they are taller than you & stacking those brown cardboard boxes into a moving van. 

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To wrap it up, impulse control is ultimately a SKILL that we must help build and nurture within them. Like any skill, it is best taught during moments of low stress & low stakes. Use fun playful moments to practice the complex thought process. Make up impulsive situations and talk through your thought process out-loud with them: “I want to turn my bubble wand upside down but what would happen if I did that? My bubbles would spill and I could not make more. So sad. I still want my bubbles.” AND NEVER FORGET to award your toddler with positive attention when you see their little gears turning and using a bit of control. 

Give some of these tactics a try and connect with me on any of my platforms to chat more about navigating toddlerhood!